Monday, 8 December 2014

"Minecraft Colada" Parody of Escape (The Piña Colada Song)"

I was gaming with my lady, been on our console too long.
Replaying all those old missions, felt just like donkey kong
So while she installed some patches, I browsed a forum instead
And in a thread about questing, there was this post that I read...

If you like mining for diamonds and hunting sheep in the rain
If you'll forge your own armour and you'll eat zombie brains
If you kill endermen at midnight... and you wear a cool cape
I've the game that you've looked for... play minecraft and escape

I didn't show it my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean...
But she seemed happy with the console, I didn't want to break up her routine
And so i logged into the forum, and hit reply on the post.
I wanted to try this new game, was even willing to host.

Yes I like mining or diamonds, and hunting sheep in the rain
Zombies, skelons, and spiders... all of these will be slain
I've got to log in by tomorrow night, for a gaming escape
We'll use a mod pack from yogscast, while it's still up to date.

And so I spawned on the server, and started punching a tree
I saw my new gaming partner... as she killed squids in the sea
It was my own gaming lady and she said, "Aw, it's you."
Then as she put down a workbench, she said "I never knew."

That you like mining for diamonds and hunting sheep in the rain
And the crafting of armour, and the farming of grains.
if you kill endermen at midnight... and you wear a cool cape
Your the player I've looked for... play with me and escape

If you like mining for diamonds and hunting sheep in the rain
If you'll forge your own armour and you'll eat zombie brains
if you kill endermen at midnight... and you wear a cool cape
I've the game that you've looked for... play minecraft and escape

Yes I like mining or diamonds, and hunting sheep in the rain
Zombies, skelons, and spiders... all of these will be slain
I've got to log in by tomorrow night, for a gaming escape


Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Minecraft Yogscast Complete Pack - How to make BRONZE!

Annoying as buggery.
Want to play with BEES!
But you need bronze.
And wouldn't you know it if you pop 3 copper ingots around a tin ingot in a crafting bench as described in the wiki it does nothing.
I thought it might be that the ingots were Mekanism, but I tried others.

So here's the trick.

1) Get a stack of ingots and go to your crusher.
2) Crush them to dust.
3) Go to your metallurgic infuser.
4) Pop the dust in the left hand "power" bar (purple box).
(If you have redstone or coal in it, click the 'dump' button')
5) Pop your stack of copper ingots in the input (red box).
6) Out come bronze ingots.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Monday, 6 October 2014

Just published my first book!

Well well well.

Many people have asked me to curate all the humorous posts I've done over the years and publish them.

So I did.

244 pages of them.

From 2005 to today. Ok I lost a few due to hardware failure, but I made up for it by adding some humorous photos and of course: Kittens!

To whet your appetite here is a sample of the contents:

  • Blackpool. Gack...
  • Superman and other heroes...
  • Marcel, Speed Cameras and Rat Throwing as a Sport
  • Greek Gods, Washed Hedgehogs and Bluetooth
  • Dead Flies and Calculations
  • 12 steps for vampires
  • Obesity is the key to the survival of man!
  • When Sticking a Screw Driver in your Face is Preferable to Going to the Dentist and More Movie Reviews
  • Cthulhu Eggs and What's really funny
  • I am not “The Internet with Boobs”
  • Monastic Speeders, Pants around Ankles and Bikes
  • Rawhead Rex, Maniac Nurses and a Steam Powered Cat Cannon
  • Is everything shit or is it just me? Oh and H.P.Lovecraft
  • Rats, an old house and worlds craziest chases
  • Deep Fried Squirrel with Garlic Mayonnaise!
  • Mansquito (TV 2005) O.M.G. Bad Sci-Fi Reaches new Lows
  • There's a dead cockroach next to my ashtray
  • Portal for Programmers - Still Have a Job
  • Mambo Number 5 for Programmers - Rebuild Number 5
  • This is an ex-iPhone...

So go to and support your local nutter! That's me if you haven't figured it out.

I'll be starting my next book shortly.

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Memories of my mother


1956: Where I was born:

And her first house where I grew up:

Gawd I was a big baby:

Hi Mum!

Monday, 15 September 2014

My mother died this morning

I received the message that the time of death was 7:20am.
I was just arriving at my desk at the time, and sent hurried emails to various people indicating that I would have to be involved in the final arrangements.
I was first to arrive at the 5-star aged care facility and had to “identify” my mothers body.
(That's an informal identification purely for the bureaucrats)

I have seen many deaths in my lifetime but that I was struck dumb because this was my mother.
I stroked her head and said:

"Goodbye. You had an absolute shit of a life but at least you had a few weeks of pampering to make up for it."

My siblings arrived and we went through the process of saying goodbye, signing forms etc.
We then went to my house and made funeral arrangements.
The funeral people took the necessary steps and my siblings and I evacuated her room so as not to encumber the staff at the facility.

We have now dealt with all the arrangements in a calm orderly way.
Having said that, we’re all a tad shattered by the suddenness of her death.
As such, I will be taking tomorrow off to... well basically... grieve as I have had to keep my emotions in check for the day to ensure a smooth process for all involved.
As have we all.

Tomorrow I will weep.

Somewhat humorously, her passing (and perhaps others) might have happened last week in a explosive fashion.
And I *do* mean explosive as she was caught with a cigarette in one hand and the mouthpiece for an active oxygen cylinder in the other at 1am Friday morning.
I have to say that when I go, I’d like to do it that way.

Tough bird my mother.

For more details: from May 2012.

Goodbye Mother.
I love you.

Sunday, 14 September 2014

OMG I'm covered in BEES!

I've got more stories than... than..

Ok. I was at work and got a phone call from my other half.

"We're not alone"

My first thought was that alien life had been discovered.
But sadly no.
A swarm of them had invaded the weep holes above the front door and were preparing to nest.
My first thought was to get a bee-keeper in.
Sadly a search proved fruitless in our area and I eventually suggested that Ben find an exterminator.

I reached a logical break point in my work and raced home.

Swarm *partially* under control.

They’re not native ones BTW.

I went out with a half full can of "Nest Control” and sprayed the buggery out of the area infected.
In the weep holes as well until the can ran out.

Neighbours must have thought I was nuts as while doing that as I was dum-de-dumming "Ride of the Valkyries” loudly and shouting at the buggers “I love the smell of insecticide in the afternoon!” all in my currently cracked voice.

Not a complete fix, but it will stop them coming into the house via the light fixtures.

Which they were doing.
Lots of them.
And attacking any light that was on.
The first time I have seen venom dripping from a light bulb.
Yes really.

I swatted about a dozen which had invaded the kitchen.
That’s how I know they’re not native bees.
Fat little European buggers and frackin’ aggressive.
Eventually I managed to scoop up dozens of little bee bodies.
Bucket'o'bees it was.
Like the Marne.
We'll be finding little mummified corpses for days.

I also covered up the light fixtures downstairs with Ice Cream container lids and blu-tack.
Obviously I couldn’t spray liquid into a light fixture!

Several exterminators were called before finding one which would agree to deal with the issue.
(Wow. The number of “Bees? You’re fucking kidding!” responses followed by “click” was a tad disturbing)
We eventually found a dude who would deal with the issue.
"George" said he would come around the next day between 8..9am.

So. It was a dark evening with the incessant buzz of BEES!

Unfortunately Ben can’t deal with the little buggers for two reasons:

1) Since he went diabetic, he’s developed a swathe of allergies and almost certainly one to bee stings and
2) Two of his sisters are strongly allergic to bee stings, which means he probably is as well.

I don’t think I’m allergic to bees and in any case I’m a head first sort of person, and I’m at a point where if ONE MORE FRACKIN' THING happens in my life, I’ll go postal.

Anyway, the dude turned up at 10am the next day.
Pretty laid back kinda guy.
Brought out the biggest frackin' vacuum cleaner I've ever seen.
Size of a 44 gallon drum.
On wheels.
He scooped up a metric-shit-ton of them and fluffed dust into the weep holes.

We're free of the communist-led left-wing all-your-weep-holes-belong-to-us bee-collective for the moment.
This is our 3rd infestation.
I try to do my best and find bee-keepers.
Why? Because... Because... BEEs!
Which you would have thought would be doing a roaring trade given the number of these incidents.
But no.

Still. Another story to add to my repertoire. Sigh.

Sunday, 31 August 2014

An almost exhaustive list of YogsCast Complete ores and their processing options.


Anyone who has been watching my videos on YouTube regarding Minecraft Mekanism will be confused about some things.

The link to the videos is:

The list of Ores in the YogsCast Complete server is gi-normous.
How do you process them?

Well, I went to the trouble of sorting through as many ores as I could find and here is the list of options:
(Warning: The last table is wider than will fit, and has notes at the end of some lines. So Cut'n'Paste it into TextWrangler or whatever)

Oh... Just a thought... If you wish I can create a GitHub project to store detail like this. Advise via comments.

Ores that work with 4-way system:

Pack                Name            Code
------------------- --------------- -------
Minecraft           Gold            14      
Minecraft           Iron            15      
Mekanism            Copper          3007:1  
Mekanism            Tin             3007:2  
Mekanism            Osmium          3007
Factorization       Silver          1002    
Tinkers Construct   Gold Gravel     1488:1  
Tinkers Construct   Tin             1475:4  
Tinkers Construct   Copper          1475:3  
Tinkers Construct   Iron Gravel     1488    
Tinkers Construct   Copper Gravel   1488:2  
Tinkers Construct   Tin Gravel      1488:3  
Galacticraft Core   Copper          3410:5  
Galacticraft Core   Copper          3451    
Galacticraft Core   Tin             3451:1  
Galacticraft Core   Tin             3410:6  
Mariculture         Copper          500:1   
Thermal Expansion   Silver          2701:2  
Thermal Expansion   Copper          2701    
Thermal Expansion   Lead            2701:3  
Thermal Expansion   Tin             2701:1  
Emasher Resource    Cassiterite     3173:1  
Emasher Resource    Galena          3173:3  
Emasher Resource    Native Copper   3173:4  
Metallurgy 3        Silver          1702:1  
Metallurgy 3        Tin             1700:1  
Metallurgy 3        Copper          1700    
Forestry            Tin             1398:2  
Forestry            Copper          1398:1  

Ores pushed to an Enrichment Chamber (factory) -> Smelter (factory)
Metallurgy 3        Sulfur          1705:7      
Metallurgy 3        Phosphorite     1705:8      
Metallurgy 3        Magnesium       1705:10     
Metallurgy 3        Potash          1705:12     
Metallurgy 3        Saltpeter       1705:9      
Metallurgy 3        Eximite         1700:5
Metallurgy 3        Meutoite        1700:6
Metallurgy 3        Carmot          1706:6
Metallurgy 3        Mithril         1706:7
Metallurgy 3        Rubracium       1706:8
Metallurgy 3        Orichalcum      1706:11
Metallurgy 3        Adamantine      1706:13     
Metallurgy 3        Atlarus         1706:14     
Metallurgy 3        Bitumen         1705:11     
Metallurgy 3        Platinum        1702:3      
Metallurgy 3        Infuscolium     1706:2      
Metallurgy 3        Prometheum      1706        
Metallurgy 3        Deep Iron       1706:1
Metallurgy 3        Oureclase       1706:4
Metallurgy 3        Astral Silver   1706:5
Metallurgy 3        Manganese       1700:2
Metallurgy 3        Zinc            1702
Emasher Resource    Pentlandite     3173:5
Thermal Expansion   Ferrous         2701:4

                                                Redstone    Enrichment  Pulverizer  Induction   Purification
                                                Furnace     Chamber                 Smelter     Chamber
Factorisation       Dark Iron       1004        Y           .           Y           Y           .
Tinkers Construct   Aluminum        1475:5      .           .           Y           Y           .
Tinkers Construct   Ardite          1475:2      .           .           Y           Y           .
Tinkers Construct   Cobalt          1475:1      .           .           Y           Y           .
Tinkers Construct   Cobalt Gravel   1488:5      .           .           .           .           .               *Smeltery
Tinkers Construct   Aluminum Gravel 1488:4      .           .           .           .           .               *Smeltery
Mariculture         Rutile          500:2       .           .           Y           Y           .               
Mariculture         Bauxite         500         .           .           .           .           .               *Smeltery
Galacticraft Core   Silicon         3410:8      .           .           .           .           .               
Galacticraft Core   Cheese          3451:2      Y           .           .           .           .               
Galacticraft Core   Aluminum        3410:7      Y           .           .           .           .               
qCraft              Quantum         804         .           .           .           .           .               Unknown
ProjectRed          Peridot         2130:2      .           .           .           .           .               *Rock Crusher
ProjectRed          Sapphire        2130:1      .           .           .           .           .               *Rock Crusher
ProjectRed          Ruby            2130        .           .           .           .           .               *Rock Crusher
Applied Energistics Cerus Quartz    902         .           .           Y           .           .               *Crusher
Railcraft           Dark Diamond    458:2       .           .           .           .           .               *Rock Crusher
Railcraft           Dark Emerald    458:3       .           .           .           .           .               *Rock Crusher, Smeltery
Railcraft           Dark Lapis      458:4       .           .           .           .           .               *Rock Crusher
Ars Magica 2        Vinteum         1141        Y           .           Y           .           .               *Rock Crusher
Ars Magica 2        Blue Topaz      1141:2      Y           .           .           .           .               
Ars Magica 2        Moonstone       1141:3      Y           .           .           .           .               
Ars Magica 2        Chimerite       1141:1      Y           .           .           .           .               
Ars Magica 2        Sunstone        1141:4      Y           .           .           .           .               *Rock Crusher
Magical Crops       Essence         3714        .           .           .           .           .               Unknown
Biomes O' Plenty    Tanzanite       1942:8      .           .           Y           .           .               *Rock Crusher
Biomes O' Plenty    Topaz           1942:6      .           .           Y           .           .               *Rock Crusher
Biomes O' Plenty    Peridot         1942:4      .           .           Y           .           .               *Rock Crusher
MineChem            Uranium         3790        Y           .           Y           Y           .               
Biomes O' Plenty    Amethyst        1942        .           .           .           .           .               Unknown
Biomes O' Plenty    Ruby            1942:2      .           .           Y           .           .               *Rock Crusher
Biomes O' Plenty    Sapphire        1942:12     .           .           Y           .           .               *Rock Crusher
Biomes O' Plenty    Malachite       1942:10     .           .           Y           .           .               *Rock Crusher
Magical Crops       Nether Essence  3713        .           .           .           .           .               Unknown
Emasher Resource    Bauxite         3173        Y           .           .           .           .               
Emasher Resource    Emery           3173:2      Y           .           .           .           .               *Rock Crusher
Emasher Resource    Sapphire        3173:7      Y           .           .           .           .               *Rock Crusher
Thermal Expansion   Ferrous         2701:4      Y           Y           Y           Y           .               
Factorization       Dark Iron       1004        Y           .           Y           Y           .               
Thaumcraft          Cinnabar        2608        Y           .           .           .           .               
Dartcraft           Nether          1900:1      .           .           .           .           .               Unknown
Dartcraft           Power           1900        .           .           .           .           .               Unknown
Big Reactors        Yellorite       2740        Y           .           Y           Y           .               
Forestry            Apatite         1398        .           .           Y           .           .               *Rock Crusher
RailCraft           Sulfur          458         .           .           Y           .           .               *Rock Crusher

Sunday, 24 August 2014

So.... Yeah... Here's some advice if you're using rsync to transfer large datasets from an iMac Mavericks to a Drobo (or other NAS)

Don't use the built in rsync.

I was only getting 18Mb/s transfer from an attache WD 4Tb My Book.

That's crap to start with as it is USB3 and should be much higher.

I tried BlackMagic and what not and... nope... It's not running USB3.
Switched ports on the back of the iMac to see if it was a positional issue.
Cable? Hmm. It's blue and says it's USB3...
In any case this post isn't about WD external drives, USB2/3 or iMacs or Mavericks.

It's about rsync.
And I was getting atrocious copy rates to my Drobos.
18-20Mb/s at best.

So let's look at the installed version of rsync:

/usr/bin/rsync --version
rsync  version 2.6.9  protocol version 29
Copyright (C) 1996-2006 by Andrew Tridgell, Wayne Davison, and others.


I have brew installed, so I did a brew install rsync.

/usr/local/bin/rsync --version
rsync  version 3.0.9  protocol version 30
Copyright (C) 1996-2011 by Andrew Tridgell, Wayne Davison, and others.

Better, but the surprise was that when I substituted the brew version for the installed version I went from 18-20Mb/s transfer rate to 40-100Mb/s (depending on the file size and file type of course).

It's not a perfect solution and doesn't explain why the WD 4Tb My Book has such atrocious rates, but I have no time to fiddle with that right now as I have 4Tb to transfer and 40-100 is better than 18-20.

Suggestion: Install the brew version of rsync and use it instead.

Oh... Don't suggest putting a rsyncd service on the Drobos.
That's not the point.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

[WARNING] [Minecraft-Server] Can't keep up! Did the system time change, or is the server overloaded?

No the time didn't change.
No the server is not overloaded.
There's no-one frickin using it.
No processes other than MC.
And no users because I re-started it.

top - 12:23:31 up 12 days, 19:51,  4 users,  load average: 0.57, 0.46, 0.42
Tasks: 122 total,   1 running, 121 sleeping,   0 stopped,   0 zombie
%Cpu(s): 13.9 us,  0.4 sy,  0.0 ni, 85.7 id,  0.0 wa,  0.0 hi,  0.0 si,  0.0 st
KiB Mem:  12286436 total,  5003584 used,  7282852 free,   388952 buffers
KiB Swap: 16756732 total,        0 used, 16756732 free,  2731256 cached

 7137 kim       20   0 4369m 1.4g  22m S  58.6 12.0  86:01.56 java

No one else on the server.

I stopped the service and re-started it.

As soon as Galacticraft loaded, I got this warning.
What the hell?

Can someone please modify that warning to give some more indication as to why it occurs?