Sympathy for the Don

Please allow me to introduce myself

I'm a man of no wealth or taste

I've been around for a long, long years

Stole a million MAGAs souls on faith

And I was 'round when Hillary

Had her moment of doubt and pain

Made damn sure that Christie

Was ordered home and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you

All I have is my name

But what's troubling you is 

Why so many play my game

I stuck around New York

When I saw it was a time for a change

Attacked Coumo and his ministers

Chris screamed in vain

I'm orange and fat

And I sold MAGA hats

While the virus spread

And the jobs went away

I rode an SUV

Held a presidents's rank

While the virus raged

And the suckers cheered and stank

Pleased to meet you

The candidate with zero class

But I made sure

That Cruz and Graham kissed my ass.

(Woo woo, woo woo)

I watched with glee

While your Reps and Senators

Fought for ten decades

For the parties they made

(Woo woo, woo woo)

I shouted out

Who killed the Kennedys?

I blamed it on Cruz's dad

And Ted still loves me

(Who who, who who)

Let me please introduce myself

I'm a man of no wealth or taste

And I laid traps for sycophants

And laid your party to waste

(Woo woo, who who)

Pleased to meet you

All I have is my name, oh yeah

(Who who)

But what's puzzling you

Is why I have no shame

(Who who, who who)

Pleased to meet you

Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah

But what's confusing you

Is why I have no shame

(Woo woo, who who)

Just as every kamala is a cop

And all the supremicists saints

As news is fake and you listen to me

Just call me Don

'Cause I'm in need of some restraint

(Who who, who who)

So if you meet me

Have some courtesy

Have some sympathy, and some taste

(Woo woo)

Use all your well-learned politness

Or I'll lay your party to waste, mm yeah

(Woo woo, woo woo)

Pleased to meet you

All I have is my name, mm yeah

(Who who)

But what's puzzling you

Is the nature of my game, mm mean it, get down

Tell me baby, do you like my name

Tell me honey, can ya take my name

Tell me baby, what's my name

I tell you one time, you're to blame

What's my name

Tell me, baby, what's my name

Tell me, sweetie, what's my name

Oh, yeah

Diamonds For Nothing a parody for Minecrafters

Now look at them diggy-diggies that's the way you do it
You play the pick-axe on the MC-YT
That ain't diggin' that's the way you do it
Diamonds for nothin' and chickens for free
Now that ain't diggin' that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them miners ain't dumb
Maybe get a arrow on your right arm
Maybe get a arrow on the back of your head

We gotta install these coal-powered ovens
Custom jukebox deliveries
We gotta move these iron bars
We gotta move these chestie's

See the little noob with the skin and the hat
Yeah buddy that's his own hat
That little miner got his own jet pack
That little miner he's a millionaire

We gotta install these coal-powered ovens
Custom jukebox deliveries
We gotta move these iron bars
We gotta move these chestie's

I shoulda learned to play the game
I shoulda learned to play them picks
Look at that miner, she got it stickin' in the camera
Man we could have some fun
And he's up there, what's that? Indie noises?
Bangin' on the creepers like a simoneeze
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Diamonds for nothin' and chickens for free

We gotta install these coal-powered ovens
Custom jukebox deliveries
We gotta move these iron bars
We gotta move these chestie's

Now that ain't diggin' that's the way you do it
You play the pick on the MC-YT
That ain't diggin' that's the way you do it
Diamonds for nothin' and chickens for free
Diamonds for nothin' and chickens for free

I want my
I want my
I want my MC-YT!

This is an ex-iPhone... (By B)

I saw two guys the other day arguing over a iPhone.

The first bloke had obviously sold his old iPhone to a mate, but may have misrepresented the item in question. The whole discussion put me in mind of another dispute over "less than perfect" merchandise...

With sincere apologies to Monty Python and their fans everywhere, here is my version of their conversation:

Buyer: I wish to make register a complaint!

Seller: I'm having my lunch.

Buyer: Never mind that, I wish to complain about this iPhone what I bought from you not one hour ago.

Seller: Oh yeah? The iPhone 4s? Whats wrong with it?

Buyer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it mate, it's bricked. Thats what wrong with it!

Seller: No, no, it um... just needs charging.

Buyer: Look mate, I know a bricked phone when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

Seller: No, no it's not bricked, it just needs charging! Beautiful phone that isn't it? metallic blue case and everything..

Buyer: The case don't enter into it. It's not a phone anymore it's a paper weight.

Seller: Nooooo, no, no, it just needs to charge up!

Buyer: Alright then, if it just needs charging I'll power it up [plugs iphone into usb port and shouts at phone] "Hello Siri!, I've got a questions for you!"

Seller: [in a squeaky voice] "No, I'm still charging." -  There it worked!

Buyer: No it didn't that was you putting on a female voice

Seller: I never!

Buyer: Yes you did!

Seller: I never said a thing!

Buyer: Alright... [pressing the power button over and over while yelling a the phone] "HELLO SIRI, TESTING, TESTING, I WISH TO SET AN ALARM CALL?"
[Stares at the blank screen for several minutes]
Now that is what I call a bricked phone.

Seller: No it's in standby mode.

Buyer: STANDBY?

Seller: Yeah! It went into standby just as you were talking to it. The 4s goes into standby very quickly mate.

Buyer: Um... now look... Now look mate, I've definitely had enough of this. This phone is definitely bricked, and when I purchased it not half an hour ago you assured me that it's total lack of response was due to the battery being completely drained following an abnormally prolonged ringtone.

Seller: Well, it's probably not compatible with your system.

Buyer: Compatible with my system? It's a bloody mac of course it's compatible.

Seller: Nah.. the iPhone 4s works better with windows...

Buyer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that phone when I got it home, and I found the only reason the apple logo showed up on the screen at all was that it had been painted there.

Seller: Well of course! I had to paint over the screen... the new 4s retina display is so bright if I hadn't painted over the screen the screen you'd take one look at it and VOOM, it would burn out your eyes.

Buyer: Burn out my eyes? this thing wouldn't VOOM my eyes if you put four million volts through it! It's bricked.

Seller: No, It's charging!

Buyer: It's not charging, it's conked out. This phone is no more! It has ceased to call! It's bricked, buggered, burnt out, belly up, and permanently off the hook! It's warranty has been voided! It's shut down the for the last time! It's gone to meet Steve Jobs in the great Apple store in the sky! If you hadn't painted over the screen and boxed it back up, it would be 4.8 ounces of very pretty landfill! THIS IS AN EX IPHONE!!

Seller: [pause] Well I'd better give you your money back then...

To be honest the discussion did not go exactly like that, but it was pretty bloody close in parts...

Parady of Rockstar by NickelBack - For Programmers...

(Sung to Nickelback's "Rockstar")

I'm through with going for jobs when I never get in
It's like not having a masters is a mortal sin
this job hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to be…
(tell me what you want)

I want a new laptop with an extra wide screen
I want unlimited access to the coffee machine
And a big pay rise and my parking paid for me
(so what ya need?)

I need an optical link thats got no limit,
And a brand new router with a firewall in it
Gonna piss off hackers that would love to take my source code from me
(Been there, done that)

I want a new VM full of ram and speed
The amazon cloud won't fulfil my needs
I need an enterprise solution not the crap you can get for free
(so how you gonna do it?)

<CHORUS>
 I'm gonna trade the job for fortune and fame
 Wear a t-shirt and jeans and design a game

 Cause we all just wanna be code rockstars
 Writing iPhone apps while at coffee bars

 The shares come easy and and the tools are cheap
 We're all more productive since we gave up sleep

 And we'll...

 Blog our thoughts on our own websites
 Send off random tweets at around midnight

 We'll give up soap and not wash our hair
 But our codes so cool that no-one will care

 And uh.. hay hey I'll be a code rockstar
 Hay hey I'll be a code rockstar
</CHORUS>

I wanna be great like Steve, without the glasses
I wanna lead the pack not be part of the masses
Sign a couple autographs so I can get my tools for free...
( well heres the deal)

I'm gonna style my code in the latest fashion
ganna turn down dinner at the Bill Gates mansion
Gonna get a big investor to fund my IPO for me
(so how you gonna do it?)

<CHORUS>
 I'm gonna trade the job for fortune and fame
 Wear a t-shirt and jeans and design a game

 Cause we all just wanna be code rockstars
 Writing iPhone apps while at coffee bars

 The shares come easy and and the tools are cheap
 We're all more productive since we gave up sleep

 And we'll...

 Blog our thoughts on our own websites
 Send off random tweets at around midnight

 We'll give up soap and not wash our hair,
 But our codes so cool that no-one will care

 And we'll chat online with the coolest dudes
 putting down any language that lacks attitude

 We'll bitch about the closing down of pirate bay
 And complain about the nazis at the RI double A

 Well... Hay hey I'll be a code rockstar
</CHORUS>

Using Node.js to hack up a service
Though it's performance claim really make me nervous

Get burned out hackers writing all my code
Then cry like a baby when it's slow to loooooad...

<CHORUS>
 Cause we all just wanna be code rockstars
 Writing iPhone apps while at coffee bars

 The shares come easy and and the tools are cheap
 We're all more productive since we gave up sleep

 And we'll...

 Blog our thoughts on our own websites
 Send off random tweets at around midnight

 We'll give up soap and not wash our hair,
 But our codes so cool that no-one will care

 And we'll chat online with the coolest dudes
 putting down any language that lacks attitude

 We'll bitch about the closing down of pirate bay
 And complain about the nazis a that RI double A

 Well... Hay hey I'll be a code rockstar.

 Yeah... Hay hey I'll be a code rockstar.

</CHORUS>

(you suck!)

Mambo Number 5 for Programmers - Rebuild Number 5

(Sung to Mambo #5)

1… 2… 3,4,5
Everybody in the team said to put it live
To the big server that we host on
The boys say they want the latest build
But I think there's a problem

With the code that we wrote last week
I think it's a loop or a memory leak...

We fixed dependencies, comments, var names and indents
But now I think about it, some testing would have made sense.

So what can I do I really beg you my lord
Cause re-coding is just like a sport

Anything I have have coded let me dump it
And please let me rebuild it

A little bit of coding in my life
A little bit of hacking on the side
A little bit of debugging is all it needs
A little bit of open source keeps it free
A little bit of Java thanks to sun
A little bit of shell script helps it run
A little bit of tuning while it ran
A little bit of joy spread across the LAN

The site is Up and Down, the home page isn't found
Through your hands in the air, stamp your feet on the ground

Take the javascript out and clear the css height
Shut your browser down and try to load the site

Hit refresh once and clear the cache out twice
And if it still wont load then we're working all night

A little bit of coding in my life
A little bit of hacking on the side
A little bit of debugging all it needs
A little bit of open source keeps it free
A little bit of Java thanks to sun
A little bit of shell script helps it run
A little bit of tuning while it ran
A little bit of joy spread across the LAN

Dump it, rebuild it!
Rebuild number 5

A little bit of coding in my life
A little bit of hacking on the side
A little bit of debugging all it needs
A little bit of open source keeps it free
A little bit of Java thanks to sun
A little bit of shell script helps it run
A little bit of tuning while it ran
A little bit of joy spread across the LAN

I'll do
All to
Fix my code so it works for you
Don't try yet to load the site, one more build and we'll have it right

Portal for Programmers - Still Have a Job

(Sung to the song from Portal Still Alive)

Project management
I'm making a note here: No success
In all my years, I've mostly just seen failures

They call it a science
We do what we must because they say
For the good of all them
Except the ones who have quit

But there's no use crying over every deadline
We just keep on trying to get it done on time
And you claim that it's done when you get it to run
For the people who still have a job

I'm very angry
It's hard to be happy right now
Even though we put it live this morning
And managed a demo
And passed the quality testing
We all know it's gonna fail cause we cut so many corners
Now the bugs are piling faster all of the time
We skipped over beta, that was the first bad sign
While the employees churn
We forget what we learned
For the people who still have a job

Go ahead and fire me
I think I'd prefer to go freelance
At least I won't have to deal with this shit
Make me redundant
I'll take the money and just run
And find a better job without dealing with all of this pain

But that's wishful thinking while there's projects to do
If we fail again the client's going to sue
I've got projects to run, management to be done
On the people who still have a job

And I think that I still have a job
I really pray that I still have a job
I am not sure that still have a job
Sometimes I wish I did not have a job
And after this I may not have a job
HAVE A JOB
Have a job