Tuesday 3 April 2012

This is an ex-iPhone... (By B)

I saw two guys the other day arguing over a iPhone.

The first bloke had obviously sold his old iPhone to a mate, but may have misrepresented the item in question. The whole discussion put me in mind of another dispute over "less than perfect" merchandise...

With sincere apologies to Monty Python and their fans everywhere, here is my version of their conversation:
Buyer: I wish to make register a complaint!

Seller: I'm having my lunch.

Buyer: Never mind that, I wish to complain about this iPhone what I bought from you not one hour ago.

Seller: Oh yeah? The iPhone 4s? Whats wrong with it?

Buyer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it mate, it's bricked. Thats what wrong with it!

Seller: No, no, it um... just needs charging.

Buyer: Look mate, I know a bricked phone when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

Seller: No, no it's not bricked, it just needs charging! Beautiful phone that isn't it? metallic blue case and everything..

Buyer: The case don't enter into it. It's not a phone anymore it's a paper weight.

Seller: Nooooo, no, no, it just needs to charge up!

Buyer: Alright then, if it just needs charging I'll power it up [plugs iphone into usb port and shouts at phone] "Hello Siri!, I've got a questions for you!"

Seller: [in a squeaky voice] "No, I'm still charging." -  There it worked!

Buyer: No it didn't that was you putting on a female voice

Seller: I never!

Buyer: Yes you did!

Seller: I never said a thing!

Buyer: Alright... [pressing the power button over and over while yelling a the phone] "HELLO SIRI, TESTING, TESTING, I WISH TO SET AN ALARM CALL?"
[Stares at the blank screen for several minutes]
Now that is what I call a bricked phone.

Seller: No it's in standby mode.


Seller: Yeah! It went into standby just as you were talking to it. The 4s goes into standby very quickly mate.

Buyer: Um... now look... Now look mate, I've definitely had enough of this. This phone is definitely bricked, and when I purchased it not half an hour ago you assured me that it's total lack of response was due to the battery being completely drained following an abnormally prolonged ringtone.

Seller: Well, it's probably not compatible with your system.

Buyer: Compatible with my system? It's a bloody mac of course it's compatible.

Seller: Nah.. the iPhone 4s works better with windows...

Buyer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that phone when I got it home, and I found the only reason the apple logo showed up on the screen at all was that it had been painted there.

Seller: Well of course! I had to paint over the screen... the new 4s retina display is so bright if I hadn't painted over the screen the screen you'd take one look at it and VOOM, it would burn out your eyes.

Buyer: Burn out my eyes? this thing wouldn't VOOM my eyes if you put four million volts through it! It's bricked.

Seller: No, It's charging!

Buyer: It's not charging, it's conked out. This phone is no more! It has ceased to call! It's bricked, buggered, burnt out, belly up, and permanently off the hook! It's warranty has been voided! It's shut down the for the last time! It's gone to meet Steve Jobs in the great Apple store in the sky! If you hadn't painted over the screen and boxed it back up, it would be 4.8 ounces of very pretty landfill! THIS IS AN EX IPHONE!!

Seller: [pause] Well I'd better give you your money back then...

To be honest the discussion did not go exactly like that, but it was pretty bloody close in parts...

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