Sunday 1 January 2012

Rawhead Rex, Maniac Nurses and a Steam Powered Cat Cannon.

Ok. It’s past 11pm but I’m feeling better. Well I say “better” for some values of better which don’t include being subjected to the movies “Rawhead Rex” and “Maniac Nurses.” The idea of a biker with a head like Arnie who had some rather bad dental work done with what must have been a ball peen hammer or a very drunk surgeon with piranhas attached to his hands terrorizing the Irish countryside and a bunch of nurses with Uzis shooting people and lazing around a chateau in lingerie is not my idea of convalescence. 

I’m not kidding. Somebody actually managed to get funding to produce these movies. What on earth where the venture capital people snorting when the writer pitched the story is what I want to know. Can you imagine the scene? Several VCs sitting around a desk and some writer comes in and says: 
“Ok. Imagine this. A farmer is sick of a neolithic stone sticking up in his field. So he pulls it down right? And it releases a demon right? And this demon, see, is dressed like Arnie in the T2 movie see, but has really bad teeth see, and he starts attacking the locals see, and a photographer sees the verger in the local church see, who has stuck his hands into a desk, see, and a red light comes out see, and... Oh. Yeah. Ta. Thanks for the funding for that movie. Excellent. We’ll start and finish shooting this week. Oh I got another pitch see... Oh. You wanna hear it? Well sure thing. Well, see, there’s these lesbian nuns in a convent and they wear lingerie see, and use Uzis on anyone who violates their code see...”
And people have the gall to say that the “Lost” series is convoluted... Sigh.

Still, my “rest and recuperation” has yielded some results. We worked out a great use for cats in general. Now I need to mention that I’m a great cat lover, but the idea of a steam powered belt fed cat cannon tickles more than just my fancy. 

B could hardly contain himself as he drew a diagram ala Steam-Punk Victoriana device that has dozens of cats being fed into a steam powered static electricity generator and since cats have a natural affinity for static electricity this would make wonderful anti-personnel devices. Just imagine being struck by a frantic cat (which at high speed is just a chain saw with a brain anyway) with it’s fur fluffed out at 90 mph delivering 50,000 volts of charge. 

Enough to stop a crazed neolithic biker with bad teeth and a penchant for eating Irish farmers or even crazed Uzi wielding lingerie wearing nuns I should imagine. B considered a Puppy Launcher, but it just doesn’t quite have the same impact, if I can use that word, as a cat with enough vooom to power a small town does it now?

I wipe the tears from my ears.

No comments:

Post a Comment