Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Obesity: Epidemic or salvation for the human race?

Apparently various government dudes are stating that half the population of Britain will be obese by 2025. They’re calling it an issue with the same impact as global warming.

Now do these people have their heads screwed on or not?

I say yes. But only if they think it's a good thing. I believe that the vast proportion of the population (and not just 50%) of Britain SHOULD become obese by 2025.

My reasoning? Global warming...

As the sea rises and vast swathes of Britain become submerged, nature needs to find a new balance. So all us “thinnies” will have the dry land and all the obese lot will be naturally selected by fast food to survive the flooding by converting fat into blubber, floating off and gradually turning into human forms of whales. Or those fat ass seals. Whatever.

It’s evolution in action, people!

I can see it now. Small thin and emaciated groups of “thinnies” huddled together for warmth on the islands once known as Wales desperately trying to grow lentils and diet crackers being harassed by vast hordes of “whale-people” swimming in shoals around them. Huge herds of them on beaches, with the males warding off competitors by baring their fangs and tossing burgers at potential rivals.

You can see the pre-cursor to this in any shopping centre.

One can imagine the movie “Fatties” being made where a dude has his son taken by a whale-man and getting a wizened old guy to hire a boat to go off and hunt the whale-man that took his son. The climax would be the thin guy hanging on to the remnants of the boat firing a rifle into a gas powered chicken rotisserie just as it was being scoffed by the offending whale-man.

Makes sense to me.

Which means, I believe, that I’m destined to be a thinnie and be part of the new society living on little remaining dry land, while vast herds of obesa-human-whales slosh across the drowned corn and wheat fields of that soon to be blue and wet land. 

Gack.

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