Thursday 29 December 2011

Mansquito O.M.G. Bad Sci-Fi Reaches new Lows

Mansquito (TV 2005) - IMDb

This is a weird ass, massive continuity error riddled, terrible dialogue, B- movie but with good special effects. The synopsis is that a medical research lab is going to use a convict to test a mosquito anti-virus. Apparently a rash of a mosquito borne disease is gripping the city. Sort of like West Nile on steroids. The convict escapes, there’s a shootout in the lab and this dude gets infected with a bunch of nasty mosquito virus stuff. He gets away and then mutates into a giant mosquito and wants a mate. So he picks on the female chief researcher who got mildly infected in the same shoot out. Hospitals blowing up, SWAT teams being ripped to bits, bodies everywhere and all the normal gore blood-fest follows.

Ok. Now the dissection. 

What a load of rubbish. 

First up, why is it that when medical research labs need a convict to test some horrible nasty on, they pick the most psychopathic, most violent, most evil nut-job they can find? Personally I would have yanked some one armed, 70 year old death row inmate in a wheelchair. Not much chance of him shooting his way out and causing mayhem. I mean, can you imagine Stephen Hawking armed with a bazooka? Ok. Yeah you’re right. You can, and so can I, but while it makes for an amusing image it’s not likely to happen is it?

Second, why is that the transport they put these murdering psycho f**kheads in always a bus with a couple of intellectually challenged guards? There was no security. They never checked his cuffs and let him stand right next to them and turn their backs on him with guns holstered while they checked him into the lab via a normal front desk! No security whatsoever. 

Now the shoot out was ordinary. Psycho kills people and gets infected. Yadda yadda. Normal fare. Except for one thing. The lab seems to be holding an inordinate amount of explosives. There’s this massive explosion, chairs flying about and so on. Why the hell would any researcher store explosives in a lab with nasty viruses around? 

So our dude gets splattered with goo and escapes. Struggling out a tunnel he stops for a while in a concrete area and mutates. Say what? This whole mutation business leaves me cold. If humans are so liable to mutate into 8 foot mosquitos after dripping a bit of goo on their arm, then I for one am going onto a distilled water only diet. Because if I drip some wine on me I’ll start sprouting grapes out of my arm and if I eat fish and chips I’ll turn into some cod-potato hybrid. The world would be a very different place. Rugby players turning into mud-skippers and so on. And don’t get me started on cottage pie! I might change into a zombie cow with giant peas for eyes and celery sticks for legs!

I mean, come on! Our genetic code is just not that fragile. 

And where do all the human bits go? How does one small human hand suddenly change into a 4 foot long killing claw? Unless it’s like tissue paper, there’s just not enough meat to make one. 

Furthermore, why didn’t he mutate into a larvae? Those little bad-asses are way worse than any full grown mosquito. Have seen those things up close with a microscope? Gives me the willies just thinking about them. All I can say is thank Wotan that he didn’t turn into a Dragon Fly. Have you seen the mouth parts of those things? A more complicated group of interlocking vicious knives, slicing things and munching menace you’ll ever see.

Anyway, our psycho dude then goes off and sucks the blood out of a bunch of people. Now what’s up with that? He *was* male. Only female mosquitos drink blood AFAIK. So unless our dude has TransGender things going on, he’s now a she. So why on earth would she be interested in the female researcher? 

And speaking of drinking blood, boy oh boy, does he go nuts with that. There’s a trail of dry bodies behind him that even the donut eating lard ass cops they always have in these movies could follow it. And the sheer quantity! In the space of two days he must have ingested hundreds of liters! Where the hell did he put it? His legs are thin, man! No hollowed out wood there. 

Then there’s a shoot out at the hospital. SWAT team sent in. They unload thousands of rounds into our Lady-Boy-Squito and they just bounce off. What the hell? Who knew mosquitos were bullet proof? So psycho-squito rips their arms off and sucks them dry as well. Bodies everywhere as it makes its way to the female researcher. Then the funniest thing in the world happened. The “hero,” a daft cop, leaves his partner behind to guard the researcher. And the hero leaves to do his hero thing the partner says this:
“Don’t worry captain, nothing will get past me!”
Now isn’t that just an “Ensign Ricky” moment right there. 

If I was that captains off sider and just heard myself say that line, I’d be out the door, armed to the teeth, and catching a plane to Cuba because you know, you just KNOW, that you’re going to be monster-munchies before you can say “Ad Break.”

So the hero finds our armored mozzie and runs in and shoots one bullet. One bullet! And hits the armored sucking machine in the eye. Say what? Thousands of rounds didn’t dent a feeler, but our hero... Anyway, he’s also got this M16 with a grenade launcher. Continuity errors abound with our hero I might add. But to continue, he puts one grenade into a pair of oxygen cylinders and boom. Now I don’t know whether you’ve ever watched myth busters. This can’t happen. But I digress. Massive explosion, falling masonry etc ensues. 

And wouldn’t you know it, psycho-sucker survives without a scratch, suddenly grows wings and scoots off. Just what the hell is his exoskeleton made of? Unobtainium? Laced with Utter-Crapoids? And those wings. Flimsy little things. And this is where the special effects which up to this point are quite good suddenly break down. The image of psycho-squito flying away cracked me up. It looked just like a plucked chicken buzzing around.

Anyway, another shoot out in a tunnel and the female researcher zaps pscho-sucker and herself with electricity. Biggest bug zapper in the world. Yadda yadda, tears, narration, a dog barks and everyone laughs.

Sigh. I must be an optimist. I must be. I keep thinking that somewhere there must be a scientifically plausible sci-fi movie being made.

Am I getting old? Eh. So what!

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