Tuesday 27 December 2011

Movies, movies and more movies

Watched a few movies over the last few days.
Just sharing my thoughts:

The Revenant

Synopsis: American Rom-Zom-Com. Oh sh*t. We're dead. Hey! Let's be heroes. Oh sh*t we can't die. Oh look USAF wants to use us to invade... Spoiler...
Watch again: Yup.
Worst moment: If your head gets crushed to pulp, and you can't die, wait. what?
Rating: 9/10

Conan the Barbarian

Synopsis: Me barbarian kid. Me kill bad guys. Me kill very bad guy. Me win.
Watch again: Definitely. Very good reprise of original movie.
Worst moment: A few minor gripes but nothing serious.
Rating: 9/10

Cowboys and Aliens

Synopsis: Aliens want gold. Aliens steal gold. Aliens capture people for no reason. Cowboys and Indians attack ship. Aliens defend. Cowboys rescue people. Aliens have ship blown up by different alien. Dog barks. Everyone laughs.
Watch again: Maybe.
Worst moment: The attack on the ship. Why would the aliens come out of it? Just blast the dumb humans from the safety of their ship!
Rating: 5/10


Synopsis: None. Just a shark grafted onto an octopus mayhem.
Watch again: GACK! Never. Well... Maybe if I was drunk enough.
Worst moment: Eric Roberts. I WANT MY 90MINS BACK. Eric Roberts.
Rating: -1/10

Why, oh why, do these nutters from research labs clone beasts with more teeth than they have? Let’s see. You start your first day at the lab as a research assistant in some desert location in Nevada and the team leader shows you around:

“And here we have our cloned velociraptor, our cloned 30 foot alligator, our cloned 50 foot python, our cloned 10 foot wide spiders with wings and 2 foot fangs dripping venom that can kill a bull elephant, and in here we test gene therapy to create giant insects as violent homicidal killers... Oh and here is our lab where we keep indescribable amounts of explosives next to the ‘bring it on’ rage virus department.”

Personally, I’d be handing in my lab coat and catching the first plane to Alaska. Mind you, there’s probably some loonie up there digging up bodies with Spanish Flu virus in them. Ok. So let’s move to Antarctica. That’s a quiet spot. Unless some predatory aliens have built an underground pyramid there and are planning to release other fast killer aliens with two sets of jaws and acid for blood just for the sport of it. 

Super 8

Synopsis: Kids making movie, inadvertently film alien leaving train wreck. Best description: Goonies meet ET, Alien, Cloverfield and save the day.
Watch again: Possibly just to get a better view of the alien.
Worst moment: USAF colonel and staff. Yes. All of them.
Rating: 7/10

The Howling Collection

Synopsis: Werewolves. At the time cutting edge graphics.
Watch again: Possibly.
Worst moment: Most of them.
Rating: 4/10

The Sarah Jane Adventures
Synopsis: Dr Who's companion Sarah Jane heads up a kiddie alien investigative team.
Watch again: Yup. Elizabeth Sladen at her best.
Worst moment: none.

Rating: 9/10

Transformers 3
Synopsis: Running, shooting, things exploding, things falling down, more things exploding. Krappy dialogue. More explosions.
Watch again: Not likely.
Worst moment: Leonard Nimoy actually using the line "...The needs of the many..."

Rating: 5/10

Oh. While I think of it. Don’t ever watch a movie called Skinned Deep. If you watch it you’ll go mad. It’s rubbish. Imagine a movie with robot and cybernetic zombie hillbillies and dwarves filmed by a director who should have stuck to just doing special effects. I think the moment I went mad and started dribbling was when I realised that the best acting in this steaming pile was by a “little person” who was throwing sharpened plates at octogenarian bikers. Say what?

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