Tuesday 27 December 2011

Thought I'd re-use a VERY old post as it's appropriate to this time of year

Originally wrote this in 2007 when we were in the UK.
Stumbled on it this morning and it seemed appropriate given that Christmas is now over.

Obesity is the key to the survival of man!

Ok. It’s been a while. Mainly because we went down to see my relatives in Crawley and spent the days being plied with food and alcohol. To my not so much surprise, I’ve put on weight. Every-time I go down there, I gain at least 2 kilos from the Sunday lunch alone. Piles of parsnips, barrages of beans, cartloads of carrots, barrels of broccoli, mountains of meat, scads of sprouts, heaps of ham, copious amounts of cauliflower, bounteous bowls brimming with beef and all topped off with massive apple pies, cream, ice cream and far, far too much wine. And they do this every week! If I did that each Sunday I’d make the Pillsbury Doughboy look anorexic! There’d be a news story on the BBC about how K had to be winched out of a house with a crane! I’m not kidding. 

What amazes me is that the entire family are thin as rakes! I look like some bloated overweight basketball rolling in like lead fog compared to them. My family packs away those Sunday lunches and overall weighs narry a featherweight more than when they started! Bugger. 

We did try to walk some of the excess off by going to Sheffield park. It didn’t work. How is it possible to gain weight while spending an hour walking around a beautifully manicured garden? Beats me.

Which leads me to a news story making the rounds in the UK. Apparently various government dudes are now stating that half the population of Britain will be obese by 2025. They’re calling it an issue with the same impact as global warming. Now do these people have their heads screwed on or not? 

I say yes. But only if they think its a good thing.

I believe that the vast proportion of the population (and not just 50%) of Britain SHOULD become obese by 2025. My reasoning? Global warming...

As the sea rises and vast swathes of Britain become submerged, nature needs to find a new balance. So all us “thinnies” will have the dry land and all those obese lot will be naturally selected by fast food to survive the flooding by converting fat into blubber, floating off and gradually turning into human forms of whales. It’s evolution in action, people! 

I can see it now. Small thin and emaciated groups of “thinnies” huddled together for warmth on the islands once known as Wales desperately trying to grow lentils and diet crackers being harassed by vast hordes of “whale-people” swimming in shoals around them. One can imagine the movie “Fatties” being made where a dude has his son taken by a whale-man and getting a wizened old guy to hire a boat to go off and hunt the whale-man that took his son. The climax would be the thin guy hanging on to the remnants of the boat firing a rifle into a gas powered chicken rotisserie just as it was being scoffed by the offending whale-man.

Makes sense to me.

I’m off to bed. The sheer amount of food I’ve consumed in the last few days is causing me to fall asleep on my feet. I promise to never, ever eat again. Oh gawd... I’m so full... Which means, I believe, that I’m destined to be a thinnie and be part of the new society living on dry land, while vast herds of obesa-humani-whales slosh across the drowned corn and wheat fields of this soon to be blue and wet land.

Oh. One more thing. I just went out to the front room and found B using a chefs blowtorch to create glazed chocolate cups. I was stunned. You gotta be kidding me. He’s destined to be one of the vast very much salt washed herd I think.

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