Sunday, 17 June 2012

Had a conversation (read painful process) with a brogrammer once.

This happened a while ago, but I thought it might tickle the programmers fancies.

Ok. I don't normally program in [insert your language here]. But a site was failing inexplicably. So one of the management team pointed me at the problem 'cos I tend to get stuff sorted.

A young [bp]rogrammer was struggling to fix the issue.
Mainly by mashing buttons and pulling levers.
So here is a summary of the conversation.

Him: Ok. Ok. [mash] [pull] [mash] [push]
Me. Slow down. Slow down. Look at the loop.

Him: Ok. Ok. [mash] [pull] [mash] [push]
Me: No. Wait.
Him: Ok. Ok. [mash] [pull] [mash] [push]
Me: Stop. 
Him: Ok. Ok. [mash] [pull] [mash] [push]
Me: No. Look...
Him: Ok. Ok. [mash] [pull] [mash] [push]
Me: For pities sake stop!

Him: Ok. Ok. [mash] [pull] [mash] [push]
Me: [places hands over keyboard] WAIT!

Him: What?
Me: Look at the loop.
Him: [not bothering to look at the code] So?
Me: No [insert your initialisation code here] or [exit loop condition here].

Him: Ah. I see. [mash] [pull] [mash] [push]
Me: Wha?


Him: Ok. Ok. [mash] [pull] [mash] [push]
Me: [grabbing keyboard away from young dude] Stop. Think. There's no [exit loop condition here]. [types some code that initialises and stops the runaway infinite loop]


Him: [grabs keyboard from me] Ok. Ok. [mash] [pull] [mash] [push]
Me: OH FOR F**KS SAKE! GIVE ME STRENGTH!


Him: Ok. Ok. [mash] [pull] [mash] [push] HEY! It works. Great work dudette! It frickin' worked.
Me: [stunned silence]


Him: Cool. Hey! I am so cool. HEY EVERYONE! I FIXED THAT PROBLEM! PUTTING IT LIVE NOW! [mash] [pull] [mash] [push]


Me: [shakes head sighs]
Him: All Right!!! FIGJAM dudette. Wanna come round to the bar for a beer?


Me: [approaching him with clenched fists] I. Have. Anger. Management. Issues. I. Better Not.
Him: No worries. OK IT'S LIVE PEOPLE! COOOOOOOOOL! Thanks.

Is it any wonder I fear for humanity...

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