The last ten weeks have been a roller coaster of drama and long waits.
Like combat I guess: long periods of burnout punctuated with moments of sheer terror.
I have spent almost every day for the last five weeks either sitting next to my mother in hospital, in traffic, in pharmacies, and waiting.
The endless waiting.
Nothing to do except wallow in tiredness, depression and bad thoughts.
Can't do anything, run out of things to say and can't leave.
And the fear. The overwhelming fear.
There have been several near misses over the last three weeks where she might have gone.
But she pulled through, survived pleurisy and pneumonia and gave the grim reaper the finger but not before ordering him to get her a gourmet sausage roll and a coffee.
You know it's bad when you realise that you've spent half an hour staring at your mobile phone and the most momentous thought you had was whether to take your shoes off. And you decide against it in case the phone rings and you have to hightail it to the hospital. Which then happens.
In any case I finally took mum home this week.
She had a panic attack the previous day which scared the bejesus out of me as I had to run to the hospital to see what was wrong.
Preparing for the worst I might add.
So at 8am I was sitting next to her waiting for the doctors approval to take her home.
Not until 11:45am did he arrive.
Not his fault I might add, but it's a helluva long time just sitting.
And then the drive back to her place, installing her in her armchair, then racing back to the hospital to pick up her medications, then running back to her home, then talking with her and my siblings.
Didn't get home and have something to eat until 7pm.
At least she's ok.
You forget sometimes that the things you take for granted take ages for elderly people.
It took nearly half an hour to get her downstairs and in the car.
Something you or I could do in <5mins.
And twice Ben and I had to dash across to stop her falling over because she's so damn stubborn and wouldn't wait to be helped.
In any case I took her to dialysis this morning and she is looking much, much better.
And yesterday I received my "FINAL" pay-check which means I'm now officially unemployed.