Friday, 10 August 2012

Movie Review: "Adam Chaplin" 2011

Ben's been in charge of the entertainment lately - tonight I made the mistake of telling him I wanted a movie with action and senseless violence (it was that kind of day)...

He paid me back by putting "Adam Chaplain" in the dvd player.

I don't know where he actually got this movie and can only assume it involved a black candle, 2 dead chickens, and a pentagram.

I sat utterly stunned while this movie ran.
WE sat stunned.
Not stunned as in "surprised" but stunned as in "hit in the face with a rotting fish".
Had I taken LSD sometime before I started watching?
I think not, but watching this movie it would be impossible to tell.
I kept looking at my dinner thinking it must have been laced with something.

There is only one word in the English language that sums up the response of any normal human to this movie:
DAFUQ?

Dario Argento himself would have found this movie needlessly violent and macabre.
It had a dwarf! A dwarf demon!
Who lived in the main characters right shoulder blade, in the blood spurting wound in the shape of a upside-down cross (a motif used throughout the movie) burned into his skin by his dying girlfriend.
Wait.
What?!?!?
His wha?????
Yup. Right shoulder blade. Lives inside an upside down cross shaped blood spurting wound. In the heroes shoulder.
I use the word "hero" here because that seemed to be the intention, but his innocent body count is even higher than the all the villains combined.

Dario my friend, even in your most insane movie, you couldn't have made this crap up.

It was Italian by the way.

This movie had everything:
Revenge, Blood, Psychos, Blood, Violence, Blood, Murder, Blood, Street crime, Blood, Homeless, Blood, Mad leather face scientists, Blood, Bashed in heads, Blood, Mutant cops, Blood, Matrix style millions of punchs a second, Blood....
Oh, and did I mention it had buckets and frickin' buckets of frickin' blood.
FRICKIN' BLOOD!

In the end I have to admit I only kept watching because the lead (Emanuele De Santi who was also the writer and director) has great abs.
Ben said he only kept watching out of curiosity on exactly how long it would take me to beg him to turn it off... But I made it all the way to the end credits. (Yes... the abs were really that good)

By the end of the movie I still have no frickin' idea what it was about. (Mmm abs...)

This is a movie with a message.
And the message is "Beware."
Actually more like "Be Were It is Not."

From a company called necrostorm.
They have a website claiming they want to make movies with that 80's 90's feel using modern techniques.
Apparently movies in the 80's and 90's were total crap without scripts and modern techniques are limited to using high powered pumps to gush blood instead of just letting it ooze like it used to.

There have only been two movies EVER which I couldn't figure out what the frickin' hell was going on, this one and Casshern.

Comparatively the storyline of Casshern, with its tale of soldiers dying in combat and being rebuilt in a giant blood tank by a mad scientist before spontaneously re-animating, fighting their way out of the city, building a new civilisation in the abandoned mountain fortress of a forgotten wizard before returning to wage war on the entire world with giant war robots built by kidnapped scientists so they can find their own humanity.... (stops to breath in) is simple and straight forward compared to the story of "Adam Chaplin".

Wait.
Did I just say that?
Out loud?
But seriously, Casshern made a frick' sight more sense than this one (and is much better made).

Purchase this one at your peril.
You'll laugh.
You'll hurl.
You'll need medication.
You'll end up being committed.
And you bitch and moan that I didn't give you more warning.

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